For my birthday last year, I invited everyone to MAYhem at the Middlesex because it was the wittiest alliteration I could think of as I was composing the Facebook invite. But it stuck and between the alcohol, 15 cameras and non-stop dance party, people would always recall how much fun they had by saying, "Remember MAYhem at the Middlesex?" So when it came time to name my softball team, my work husband said to me, why don't you just name it after yourself - name it Mayhem! And so I did. But in true Masshole fashion, I also paid allegiance to my adopted home. I figured the name Boston Red Sox was already taken, so Mass Mayhem seemed like the next best option.
Putting the team together was hard work. It wasn't hard because I had to comb through craigslist listing after craigslist listing, or read email after email fraught with poor grammar. It was hard because I was determined to find people who were similarly devoted to and passionate about rec league softball (no mean feat) but who still had a sense of humor about the whole thing. And for the most part, I succeeded beyond my greatest hopes and expectations. It wasn't even like the team was trying to make me feel better, but by virtue of being the way they are, they were the one thing that kept me afloat in what was probably the most difficult time of my life. I cannot begin to recount the ridiculous in-jokes that were rehashed ad nauseum, the quiet words of encouragement, the loud insults that were really encouragement, the unyielding butt pats, the bear hugs, all the things that made the team the team. They were my family in a time when there was a massive void of stability in my life. Was I the best captain and manager they could have had? Hell no, I was an emotional wreck most of the time and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing all the time. But God bless them, they all stood by me and trusted me with making the best decisions for the team. Well, not all of them. But that's another story.
When I agreed to be on the relay team, I invited the then-boyfriend and another member of Mass Mayhem to join. One of the captains of the relay team was a member of Mass Mayhem, so when the other captain asked me if it would be ok for the relay team to adopt the moniker, I figured, why not? What harm could it do? Clearly, hindsight is 20 fucking 20. Being on the relay team probably marked my lowest point of the summer. It was the culmination of a bad relationship, a spiraling depression, vapid people, and a lack of emotional support. I left the entire experience practically suicidal. And by that time, the softball season was over and I missed the real camaraderie of my team.
Months have since passed and while I really like a number of people on the relay team, I'm more ambivalent about others, and downright rancorous about the rest. So when the time came to start registering for upcoming races, I told the captain that I wanted out and that I wanted them to stop using my name. Is it more than slightly petty and selfish of me to do that? I won't dispute it. Especially when the now ex-boyfriend is part of the relay team and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. But the truth is, the name means a great deal to me. It means a team, friendship, family. And there is only one Mass Mayhem. Just like there is only one Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees or Chicago Cubs. The players might change but the team stands for something. That's why the fans go back year after year, win or lose, rain or shine. Because the team represents something they believe in, something greater than themselves. The name is part of me; it is the best part of me that I've given to the team. And whether or not I'm still here in two seasons, I know that the spirit of Mass Mayhem will live on in the people I will entrust it to and in the people they will eventually entrust it to. The relay team on the other hand, is like the firms I had worked at before - they simply are what they are and even though I hated them because I didn't fit in, someone somewhere will and life will be dandy for them there. The only difference here is that the relay team bears my name but it bears nothing of what I believe in. And I would like to reclaim that part of me that all but survived the last six months.
